Mental Illnesses

No one likes to talk about how weird they are, or I honestly think it is how normal they are, since so many people have some mental illness these days. When I was in my early 20's I was a normal healthy girl who never had a worry, until I moved to a different state, transferred jobs, bought a house, and found myself in the ER having a panic attack. Just like that I had a prescription for xanax, valium, and paxil. That is a lot of medication with strange letters, like the letter X and V. Not that that means anything ...

Over a short time I became medicated to deal with it and turned into a walking talking living zombie. I truly believe I am also a bit ADHD, without the ADD, mostly just the H, but Paxil took that away. My husband hated the new me, I didn't notice. What I did do while on Paxil was join a gym and went 4-5 times a week and started college, something I always wanted to do but was never able to conceive because it was going to take 4 years. So while having a panic attack is not something I would wish on someone else, it did end up being a blessing for me.

After having the initial panic attack, I only had 1 or 2 more of those, unfortunately I had several anxiety attacks until being medicated. After 8 months on Paxil I felt like I was ready to wean myself and see if I could manage my mental issues by myself. The doctor discouraged it if you can believe it. I cut myself off cold, which is a big no no when taking medication like that but I didn't know. I remember feeling spacey and nauseous but it didn't last long. Even off the medication I continued going to the gym and I finished my getting my batchelor degree. I also managed to stay sane without the medication.

Several years later and I am medication and panic attack free. It didn't happen overnight, I had to really work with it, conquer my fear of dying and random other fears. I am not left unscathed however, now I have something new to live with, something just as fun! Now I am a Hypochondriac. I capitalized it for the dramatic effect.

It doesn't affect me like the panic attacks, it only randomly bugs me. I have also never been officially diagnosed nor am I on any medication for it. Instead I just worry more than a normal person I guess. One time Summer was complaining about her stomach hurting. She was bent over on the floor. Kris said it was probably gas, I was pretty sure her guts were twisted and we were going to quickly end up in the ER undergoing major surgery. She farted and she was all better. Anytime I feel anything strange, a sharp pain here that lasted a second and never came back, I know it is some sort of cancer that will end up quickly killing me. Luckily I don't have that many strange short lasting pains I guess :o) and even better at least I don't worry about it, I made my peace with the fear of dying thing when I was having my anxiety attacks so even if I reckon I am going to die at least I am not afraid. I have a great life and I live life to the fullest and I think that helps.

The worse part, for me is taking a pill. I start to develop the symptoms on the paper whenever I take pills. Antibiotics, Tylenol, anything but a vitamin causes me a lot of unnecessary stress. Let's just say I avoid taking pills as best I can. Oh and if you want to mess with me, tell me I don't look good. I was working out at the gym with a friend one time and she looked at me and said, do you feel ok, you don't look good. I felt fine until she said that! I started to panic because it is obvious when you are about to have a stroke or a heart attack that your friend will be able to see it before you feel it.

I think it might run in my family too because my mom is also a bit of a hypochondriac. She also doesn't panic so it isn't a big deal for her either. We manage and for the most part it is just a part of who we are, weird, which makes us normal.

14 Weeks & Boys

No Aunt Wendy my belly is not smaller now than when I was pregnant with Summer, in fact I am actually bigger, more rounder, more belly. At 14 weeks with Summer I had a pooch but I didn't really have a baby stomach. See for yourself!

And I started this pregnancy 10 pounds lighter and I haven't gained more than a few pounds. Well maybe 3 or 4, maybe 5 ...

Little Boys.

My husband is a great dad, a great father. He stayed home when I went back to work and took care of our 6 week old daughter by himself. He fed her, changed her diapers, put her to sleep, got her dressed, bathed her. This got me to thinking, if I have a baby boy he is going to have a baby doll complete with clothes, bottles, a crib, well he can use Summer's crib. Why wouldn't I want a little baby boy to learn how to love a sweet baby. Why wouldn't I want a son to learn how to change a doll and feed it. Why are so many people against little boys playing with dolls, don't they want them to grow up and be good loving dads?

And my son, if I have one, will play with a toy kitchen. I want my son to learn how to cook. And he will have a toy vacuum and a toy broom because I want him to learn how to clean. He will not have toy guns or toy swords because I don't see any reason to teach my little boy how to be violent.

Of course I will probably have another little girl but who really knows. What do I want? Well I thought I wanted a little girl and when the doctor said he thought it might be I thought, maybe I want a boy instead. Not that I get to pick but I will be happy with either. A boy would just be a new challenge, what kind of photo shoots could I do? But then again I never had a sister and I would love if Summer could have one. Girl names are easier too. Oh it doesn't matter, I will find out July 5th, I can wait, it isn't that long!

Super Random Stuff

Right now I am eating dill pickles. What is it about pickles and being pregnant? And you know what, I will probably eat ice cream later, but not while I am eating these dill pickles. Something about my sour evening stomach and the vinegar in the pickles, well you wouldn't think it would be a good mix but it helps somehow. On that note I am actually feeling somewhat better. I am still sick but I think *hope* it is going away.

I had two more baby dreams. I had a little boy a few nights ago. I don't remember much about the dream because it was early in the night but it was a good dream. Early this morning I dreampt I had a little girl, born on June 25th and we named her June. She was fine, or healthy, which would be impossible considering I am not due until November, but it was also a happy dream.

There a self portrait of my 14 week belly. I kept holding it on, not on purpose, I have no clue why, so I had to take a few shots. Not to mention how hard it is to get the angle right using a cell phone. You get the idea, I have a belly.

Overall today was a spectacular day. We bought Summer a pool, I took her to see if she wants to play soccer this summer, she impressed the heck out of me! I can't believe how well she listened, how well she kicked the ball, how she even tried to put her foot on it to stop it, how much fun she had. I am still amazed and just in awe over how much better she did compared to the last class she took several months ago. I signed her up and she starts in June - I cannot wait.

She also got to swim in her pool today, she loved it. At first the water was freezing and she still got in. One the second round (once the sun went down) I added warm water and I bet she stayed in about an hour. She isn't scared to get her face wet either. We bought her a new "American" bathing suit, quite American too, right up that butt. My child cannot wear a one piece. She must have a long torso or something because all the one pieces just ride up.

Kris also grilled us lunch, steaks, burgers, broccoli, and I bought potato salad to go with - it was delicious. I am getting my appetite back and I can eat a bit more which makes me happy, I like to eat. Which also means I need to be careful now and stop the Oreos and Doritos and start munching on carrots. I am not giving up my Lucky Charms tho, not yet anyway!

Still Waiting

I hate to be one of those people who wait for time to pass, but lately I am that person. April passed and I was happy it was over. Now I am waiting for May to pass. I should be enjoying each second, minute, hour, day, but I aint. Aint, I love that word. I am still so sick and it still sucks. I have better days and a few hours when I think maybe this is the end of the annoying morning sickness, but it isn't. Then I have moments where I think I will surely miscarry, but I haven't yet. I went to the gym on Monday and I had a lot of fun dancing around in the zumba class but of course afterward I dreaded what might happen because of it. What happened was that I am sore, nothing else, no cramping, no bleeding, no miscarriage. I keep telling people I should be better in two more weeks, but it seems like two more weeks has come and gone. I want to enjoy the pregnancy, not be one of those who complain, but honestly so far it has sucked. I had to give more blood this past Monday, for more testing, the week before that I gave blood twice. I don't mind giving blood, I do mind the ugly bruises on the inside of my arms. Oh and don't forget tearing the tape off, along with a bunch of hair. I am not normally a complainer but it is so hard when you have been sick for almost 2 months. A little voice in the back of my head keeps saying, what if I am not better in 2 weeks, what if this horrible feeling lasts the entire pregnancy, then what? I honestly don't know what I will do if that happens, I am almost crazy as it is!

Two nights ago I had my first baby dream. I dreamed I was delivering a baby, Kris was there to catch it, it came out head first, face up, a girl, right out onto the large diaper Kris was holding. She was way too small, a pound or two, but she was ok, cute, eyes open. Kris wrapped the diaper up to her neck and hugged her. It was a strange but reassuring dream. I think she had blonde hair, and it was real long, like the length a 2 year old would have, but by then I had drifted into being somewhat awake so that part doesn't really count. I didn't want to wake up but I have no control of that.

And in other news ... Summer is addicted to video games. Poor thing wants to play online games so bad, the only thing preventing her is skill; she must first master the ability to read, and she has to learn how to master two button combos, like pushing over and jumping at the same time. I really don't blame her for the addiction, look at her parents, it was bound to happen. I told her she was going to have a nerd for a boyfriend. Not that I will let her have a boyfriend. If only I could find a game that isn't such a baby game, one that actually teaches her that she enjoys. I am still looking.

Oh - and I am very stressed about her upcoming birthday. Should I have it here or there, what theme should she do, should I have it during the week or on the weekend, how much should I spend, should we buy her anything, does she even care? I called one place that sends a limo to the child's house and takes her and 10 friends to the party. She doesn't know what a limo is and I have never been in a limo so we won't be doing that party. I found another place that does pony grooming and riding and a BBQ's but how hot will it be in July, probably too hot to have a party outside. I think we might just have a party at the bouncy house again, why not, it was nice last year, it is indoors, cool, there is room for a lot of kids and parents, and it was fun. To be continued.

I love fresh food!

I love to garden, it is easy, it works, it taste good. Last year I started my first garden box. I went to Lowes and bought 4 boards, nailed them together to make a box, bought that liner thing to keep out the grass, bought a bunch of dirt and planted tomatoes, strawberries, okra, and bell peppers. Everything produced but I learned a lesson, tomatoes spread and tried to take over the bed so this year I have those things to help them go up instead of all over. This year I also tried a few more things, squash, beans, onions. So far everything seems to be going great except the squash, these plants also spread and my spaghetti squash plant is trying to take over. I might rip it out but for now I am keeping an eye on it because it is showing promising flowers. So far we have already pulled green beans off the scrawniest plant and tons of strawberries. I see the tomatoes will probably be next, and maybe the yellow squash next. Who knew stuff would grow in Las Vegas? Of course we haven't hit the heat yet.

This is my garden bed, isn't it pretty? We painted the wood a light green too. I unknowingly put it between the sprinklers, the automatic ones, so I never have to actually water it!

Tomatoes ...

Green Beans, I cannot believe that plant actually produced green beans, it is so small!

Yellow Squash, looking good!

Summer actually ate one of those green beans raw too, she said it was ok.

Strawberries.

Onions ... which are suppose to compliment strawberries and the reason I bough them.

More tomatoes, I bought like 8 different kinds ... don't ask me why.

More tomatoes.

The annoying spaghetti squash, hopefully it calms down some.

I like having a garden, it makes me feel like maybe I could survive in the wild...

Wild Wild Jess!

True or False: Summer

True or False time, see if you know the answers!

Does Summer like vegetables? This one is true, she is a great little eater, her favorite vegetable is probably the pea but she also likes carrots, green beans, asparagus (the tips), spinach, broccoli, cauliflower, and squash. She has not developed a taste for brussel sprouts yet.

Does Summer still take naps? This is False, she quit napping about 6 months ago. She use to sleep 10 hours and take a 2 hour nap. Now she sleeps 11 hours with no nap. Well sometimes she will fall asleep in the afternoon but it is pretty rare. She does fine without her naps, she is not cranky or overly tired at night so I am ok with it.

Does Summer drink a lot of water? Yes this is True, thankfully she normally asks to drink water over anything else, well over milk I guess because I don't keep juice in the house. I am lucky that she likes water as much as she does because I really like it too.

Is Summer scared of people in costumes? This one is False, bring on the Easter Bunny, Santa Clause, fake Dora's, or whoever else might be in a costume and she is happily hugging and loving on them. I have no idea why, I guess she is just one of those kids.

Does Summer like to pose for pictures? Well this one depends, I guess True because if I am taking a picture of something else she will ask me to take a picture of her and if the theme is her she is good for about 5-10 minutes but that is all.

Does Summer like going to bed? True! She has no issues going to bed at night. When 8:00 hits the clock she happily wanders up to her room (with one of us) and falls almost instantly asleep. And she stays asleep all night! Getting her to go pee before bed and brush her teeth, now that is a different story.

Does Summer play on the computer? True, she has several games set up on a computer upstairs, she knows how to get to her games (teaching games) and she can easily spend 30 minutes playing and learning. Since her dad and I are known for our own computer game addictions, I see this as being very normal for her.

Does Summer want to cut her hair short? False, Unfortunately Summer wants to keep her hair long, even though she constantly brushes the strands off her face. When her fingernails are long it results in scratches so we try to keep her nails cut short. I think that also helps her from biting her nails, a bad habit I know I had growing up.

Is Summer ready for a brother or sister? So True, she is excited and can't wait. She happily pats, rubs, and kisses my tummy often and one time even sang the baby a little song.

It's a girl!

Maybe anyway. Of course I am only 12 weeks and it is really too early to tell but let me tell you about my awesome appointment today. This appointment was with the Center for Maternal-Fetal Medicine, a clinic off base that specializes in high risk patients, like myself, because I am over 35. I talked to a genetic counselor and got a 2D (and 3 or 4D) ultrasound. Because I am so old now the risk of having a baby with issues is higher. The 2D ultrasound was looking specifically for Down Syndrome. By measuring a bone in the nose and a fluid pocket in the neck, the doctor is able to tell your odds of having a baby with this symptom.

First let me just say that I was scared out of my mind. Not because I was at a high risk clinic but because I was going to find out if I was, or am, still pregnant. When they took my vitals my blood pressure was 117/75 or something low and awesome, but my heart rate was 98. It is not normally so high, well in fact it is normally that high when I have my vitals checked. So back to the ultrasound ...

There was a baby in there and its little heart was beating at 161. Summer's heart beat was often 161 too. The tech easily spent 20-30 minutes on her ultrasound, taking measurements, showing me arms, legs, and other things I didn't recognize. The baby was asleep for most of the scan but after a few pokes it woke up and adjusted so the tech could get a good reading on that neck fluid sack area. She then gave me 3 photos and said she would be back, the doctor may or may not come in.

What does that mean, he may or may not come in. Why did she say that, did she see something wrong. Was the sack that big. Does the doctor need to come verify. As I started to get all worked up I told myself to calm down because I have done this to myself before and it ended up being nothing, which was the case today.

The doctor came in and he was extremely nice (and good looking too!) Not that he has to look good but I had this one doctor that was a bit scary, not that matters, I just felt really comfortable while he explained all his credentials, he told me how long he has been doing this kind of work, and he said a bunch of more things but I don't remember what they were. What I do remember him saying was that everything looked good and he asked about my miscarriages. I might have more blood working depending on what I had in the past, blood work results that I hope are being faxed over to him today. He seemed so nice and acts like he really cares if I have this baby, which was really nice. Then he told me he was going to do something fun (with the ultrasound machine) and I said, what tell me the sex? He said that unless the baby was in optimal position it was really hard to see but ... and here's the girl part, he said based on the leg and hips it looked like a girl. Of course that isn't certain and who knows how good he really is to be able to tell that but the last time I was pregnant with Summer the doctor told me during a very early ultrasound that the baby was obviously a girl because she had a brain - he ended up being right too!
Anyway, it might be a girl, or it might not, the fact is I am still pregnant and this doctor is going to follow up with my blood work to make sure I don't have some strange condition that made my miscarry and caused me to have high blood pressure with Summer.

Oh, and he said that based on that fluid in the neck sack area the doctor is 75% sure the baby does not have Down's. The blood test I did after the ultrasound will confirm the other 20-24% when it comes in.

I have my big ultrasound scheduled for the 5th of July.

Today I am wearing maternity clothes for the first time, trying to drink more water, hoping the base hospital sends the doctor the test results from all my past testing, and now I am going to take my beautiful princess to the park.

Oh, here are one of the photos too!