Some Summer

Finally I took pictures of my favorite daughter! She even mostly sorta cooperated. She had a little trouble staying still but she is only 3 so I can't really blame her.

Here she is swinging and looking cute.

Here she is making her mean face, so if you see this face you better run because it means she is mad or something ...

This is her cute pose, no clue where she gets these faces either.

Here she is jumping, which is what she was doing most of the time while I kept asking her to come sit and take pictures. She loves that trampoline and I really hope it is doing her core good!

I feel like she has changed so much in photos. To me her hair looks blonder and so much longer. Of course she was a mess tonight, her hair was in a ponytail but had mostly fallen, we had painted and she had paint and glitter all over herself, and she didn't bother to wipe the dinner from her chin, but I didn't mine because she is still so very cute! I need to take more pictures!

What Would YOU Do?

If you were me and you had two different doctors, both who seem to care for you, telling you two different things, what would you do?

My specialists is telling me I have two genetic genes that have a problem. There is a potential for blood clotting which could cause miscarriages, stillbirths, not enough blood getting to the baby causing growth issues and pre-eclamsia. To fix this issue I would need to take a shot of levonox daily until 36 weeks. It is unclear whether these shots will really help but it certainly won't hurt the unborn baby I guess.

Hurting me is another issue. I don't know of too many people who enjoy giving themselves daily shots. Of course there are risk with using this drug too, bruising, bleeding internally, and I could go on - but regardless of the risk, remember I am a hypochondriac and it will be a pregnancy of torture to take these shots. Not to mention an ugly bruised belly.

The specialist said if it was his family member he would have them take the shots. Oh the guilt! He is a specialist, very highly trained and has a lot of letters behind his name. No doubt he really thinks it will help.

My OB doctor, who does not specialize in High Risk or even OB, has never heard of these genes because they are so new. What little he could look up about it didn't help convince him that shots would really help. Of course he doesn't live and breath high risk pregnancies either, but he is still an intelligent doctor.

If it was up to me I would rather let things be as they are. I don't want to take shots and ruin this happy pregnancy, not that it has been happy yet, I am still sick, but I was hoping I would be better soon. I don't want to harm this baby but I also don't want to be under constant anxiety during the rest of the pregnancy either. Summer made it fine without shots, can't this one make it too?

I told the specialist I would think about it and he told me to at least let him know what he decided. At first I didn't mind being high risk but now look where I am, stuck between taking shots and not. All because I turned 35 in April! If only I had never had the extra high risk blood work, but I did, and now I know.

I think I am going to call the OB guy on Monday and ask him if he did any more research and see if he still feels the same way. Then I have to make a decision. I am leaning on having a bit of faith in my body and this baby and hoping for the best without shots. What would you do?

Good Appointment, Mostly

Today I finally saw the doctor who will deliver this baby. He is a very nice guy :o) The appointment went as planned, the nurse checked my blood pressure, took my temperature and checked my weight. 112/76, pulse 100+ (which is normal for me), temperature was 99.6 (which is also normal for me), weight was 135.2 which means I have somehow gained 4 pounds. The nurse also listened to the baby's heartbeat, 150. It didn't take her very long to find it, in fact I wondered if she had found mine instead but mine doesn't normally go that high, normally. I then went to see the doctor in the next room. The first thing I noticed was the bright red HIGH RISK sticker on the outside of my chart. Whatever. Rewind a week or two ...
The high risk clinic off base requested additional blood work 2 weeks ago to check for blood issues. I never heard back from them and figured it was all good, well it wasn't and it is. The doctor today got those results and could not understand them. He could not understand because the blood work requested is so new that he had never heard of it. Apparently the results said I have some sort of genetic blood thing that could cause me to have blood clotting or something. The other doctor requested me to be on a blood thinner, a shot I would have to take myself in my stomach. This shot would make me bruise easy and have horrible hypochondriac issues, not to mention the wonderful side effects, like the chances for internal bleeding. My doctor today however said that this test is so new that the verdict is still out on whether the shots actually helps. He wants to look into it more, find out the sources and for now we both decided that shots were not in my best interest. Shew. Then he did another ultrasound just to check and see how things looked. The baby was still there, squiggling all around, the heart beat was 158 this time. He tried to see between the legs but this baby had its legs together. He said if he had to guess from what he could see he would guess a girl, so ... it still might probably be a girl. He will see me again in 4 weeks and until then I guess I just hang out and go back to the gym. He was all for the gym. Of course I would love for my morning sickness to completely leave first, any day now, I am in my second trimester you stupid morning sickness! Summer would say, Mom we don't say stupid but you know what, this sickness is STUPID! Ok honestly it seems like it is getting better, I can at least make dinner most nights, not always eat it, but that is ok too.
Lastly I had to pick up some medical records at the hospital for my other appointment tomorrow. Ya the appointment with the off base cardio guy. I went to the cardiologist on base to request my records, since I had the testing done there, and had a heck of a time getting them. I guess it was over 5 years ago, February/March 2006 since I had the test - but still. After waiting I had to go to the actual record area and wait again to get the ER records from my SVT attack. More on that tomorrow after I see the cardiology guy.
Now I am at home, I heard the baby today, saw the baby today, I do not have to take shots, I have my cardio records for tomorrow, I stopped by McDonald's and grabbed a breakfast burrito for $1.08, life at this moment is good. In about an hour a bunch of friends are coming over to eat with me and play with Summer.

Mental Illnesses

No one likes to talk about how weird they are, or I honestly think it is how normal they are, since so many people have some mental illness these days. When I was in my early 20's I was a normal healthy girl who never had a worry, until I moved to a different state, transferred jobs, bought a house, and found myself in the ER having a panic attack. Just like that I had a prescription for xanax, valium, and paxil. That is a lot of medication with strange letters, like the letter X and V. Not that that means anything ...

Over a short time I became medicated to deal with it and turned into a walking talking living zombie. I truly believe I am also a bit ADHD, without the ADD, mostly just the H, but Paxil took that away. My husband hated the new me, I didn't notice. What I did do while on Paxil was join a gym and went 4-5 times a week and started college, something I always wanted to do but was never able to conceive because it was going to take 4 years. So while having a panic attack is not something I would wish on someone else, it did end up being a blessing for me.

After having the initial panic attack, I only had 1 or 2 more of those, unfortunately I had several anxiety attacks until being medicated. After 8 months on Paxil I felt like I was ready to wean myself and see if I could manage my mental issues by myself. The doctor discouraged it if you can believe it. I cut myself off cold, which is a big no no when taking medication like that but I didn't know. I remember feeling spacey and nauseous but it didn't last long. Even off the medication I continued going to the gym and I finished my getting my batchelor degree. I also managed to stay sane without the medication.

Several years later and I am medication and panic attack free. It didn't happen overnight, I had to really work with it, conquer my fear of dying and random other fears. I am not left unscathed however, now I have something new to live with, something just as fun! Now I am a Hypochondriac. I capitalized it for the dramatic effect.

It doesn't affect me like the panic attacks, it only randomly bugs me. I have also never been officially diagnosed nor am I on any medication for it. Instead I just worry more than a normal person I guess. One time Summer was complaining about her stomach hurting. She was bent over on the floor. Kris said it was probably gas, I was pretty sure her guts were twisted and we were going to quickly end up in the ER undergoing major surgery. She farted and she was all better. Anytime I feel anything strange, a sharp pain here that lasted a second and never came back, I know it is some sort of cancer that will end up quickly killing me. Luckily I don't have that many strange short lasting pains I guess :o) and even better at least I don't worry about it, I made my peace with the fear of dying thing when I was having my anxiety attacks so even if I reckon I am going to die at least I am not afraid. I have a great life and I live life to the fullest and I think that helps.

The worse part, for me is taking a pill. I start to develop the symptoms on the paper whenever I take pills. Antibiotics, Tylenol, anything but a vitamin causes me a lot of unnecessary stress. Let's just say I avoid taking pills as best I can. Oh and if you want to mess with me, tell me I don't look good. I was working out at the gym with a friend one time and she looked at me and said, do you feel ok, you don't look good. I felt fine until she said that! I started to panic because it is obvious when you are about to have a stroke or a heart attack that your friend will be able to see it before you feel it.

I think it might run in my family too because my mom is also a bit of a hypochondriac. She also doesn't panic so it isn't a big deal for her either. We manage and for the most part it is just a part of who we are, weird, which makes us normal.

14 Weeks & Boys

No Aunt Wendy my belly is not smaller now than when I was pregnant with Summer, in fact I am actually bigger, more rounder, more belly. At 14 weeks with Summer I had a pooch but I didn't really have a baby stomach. See for yourself!

And I started this pregnancy 10 pounds lighter and I haven't gained more than a few pounds. Well maybe 3 or 4, maybe 5 ...

Little Boys.

My husband is a great dad, a great father. He stayed home when I went back to work and took care of our 6 week old daughter by himself. He fed her, changed her diapers, put her to sleep, got her dressed, bathed her. This got me to thinking, if I have a baby boy he is going to have a baby doll complete with clothes, bottles, a crib, well he can use Summer's crib. Why wouldn't I want a little baby boy to learn how to love a sweet baby. Why wouldn't I want a son to learn how to change a doll and feed it. Why are so many people against little boys playing with dolls, don't they want them to grow up and be good loving dads?

And my son, if I have one, will play with a toy kitchen. I want my son to learn how to cook. And he will have a toy vacuum and a toy broom because I want him to learn how to clean. He will not have toy guns or toy swords because I don't see any reason to teach my little boy how to be violent.

Of course I will probably have another little girl but who really knows. What do I want? Well I thought I wanted a little girl and when the doctor said he thought it might be I thought, maybe I want a boy instead. Not that I get to pick but I will be happy with either. A boy would just be a new challenge, what kind of photo shoots could I do? But then again I never had a sister and I would love if Summer could have one. Girl names are easier too. Oh it doesn't matter, I will find out July 5th, I can wait, it isn't that long!

Super Random Stuff

Right now I am eating dill pickles. What is it about pickles and being pregnant? And you know what, I will probably eat ice cream later, but not while I am eating these dill pickles. Something about my sour evening stomach and the vinegar in the pickles, well you wouldn't think it would be a good mix but it helps somehow. On that note I am actually feeling somewhat better. I am still sick but I think *hope* it is going away.

I had two more baby dreams. I had a little boy a few nights ago. I don't remember much about the dream because it was early in the night but it was a good dream. Early this morning I dreampt I had a little girl, born on June 25th and we named her June. She was fine, or healthy, which would be impossible considering I am not due until November, but it was also a happy dream.

There a self portrait of my 14 week belly. I kept holding it on, not on purpose, I have no clue why, so I had to take a few shots. Not to mention how hard it is to get the angle right using a cell phone. You get the idea, I have a belly.

Overall today was a spectacular day. We bought Summer a pool, I took her to see if she wants to play soccer this summer, she impressed the heck out of me! I can't believe how well she listened, how well she kicked the ball, how she even tried to put her foot on it to stop it, how much fun she had. I am still amazed and just in awe over how much better she did compared to the last class she took several months ago. I signed her up and she starts in June - I cannot wait.

She also got to swim in her pool today, she loved it. At first the water was freezing and she still got in. One the second round (once the sun went down) I added warm water and I bet she stayed in about an hour. She isn't scared to get her face wet either. We bought her a new "American" bathing suit, quite American too, right up that butt. My child cannot wear a one piece. She must have a long torso or something because all the one pieces just ride up.

Kris also grilled us lunch, steaks, burgers, broccoli, and I bought potato salad to go with - it was delicious. I am getting my appetite back and I can eat a bit more which makes me happy, I like to eat. Which also means I need to be careful now and stop the Oreos and Doritos and start munching on carrots. I am not giving up my Lucky Charms tho, not yet anyway!

Still Waiting

I hate to be one of those people who wait for time to pass, but lately I am that person. April passed and I was happy it was over. Now I am waiting for May to pass. I should be enjoying each second, minute, hour, day, but I aint. Aint, I love that word. I am still so sick and it still sucks. I have better days and a few hours when I think maybe this is the end of the annoying morning sickness, but it isn't. Then I have moments where I think I will surely miscarry, but I haven't yet. I went to the gym on Monday and I had a lot of fun dancing around in the zumba class but of course afterward I dreaded what might happen because of it. What happened was that I am sore, nothing else, no cramping, no bleeding, no miscarriage. I keep telling people I should be better in two more weeks, but it seems like two more weeks has come and gone. I want to enjoy the pregnancy, not be one of those who complain, but honestly so far it has sucked. I had to give more blood this past Monday, for more testing, the week before that I gave blood twice. I don't mind giving blood, I do mind the ugly bruises on the inside of my arms. Oh and don't forget tearing the tape off, along with a bunch of hair. I am not normally a complainer but it is so hard when you have been sick for almost 2 months. A little voice in the back of my head keeps saying, what if I am not better in 2 weeks, what if this horrible feeling lasts the entire pregnancy, then what? I honestly don't know what I will do if that happens, I am almost crazy as it is!

Two nights ago I had my first baby dream. I dreamed I was delivering a baby, Kris was there to catch it, it came out head first, face up, a girl, right out onto the large diaper Kris was holding. She was way too small, a pound or two, but she was ok, cute, eyes open. Kris wrapped the diaper up to her neck and hugged her. It was a strange but reassuring dream. I think she had blonde hair, and it was real long, like the length a 2 year old would have, but by then I had drifted into being somewhat awake so that part doesn't really count. I didn't want to wake up but I have no control of that.

And in other news ... Summer is addicted to video games. Poor thing wants to play online games so bad, the only thing preventing her is skill; she must first master the ability to read, and she has to learn how to master two button combos, like pushing over and jumping at the same time. I really don't blame her for the addiction, look at her parents, it was bound to happen. I told her she was going to have a nerd for a boyfriend. Not that I will let her have a boyfriend. If only I could find a game that isn't such a baby game, one that actually teaches her that she enjoys. I am still looking.

Oh - and I am very stressed about her upcoming birthday. Should I have it here or there, what theme should she do, should I have it during the week or on the weekend, how much should I spend, should we buy her anything, does she even care? I called one place that sends a limo to the child's house and takes her and 10 friends to the party. She doesn't know what a limo is and I have never been in a limo so we won't be doing that party. I found another place that does pony grooming and riding and a BBQ's but how hot will it be in July, probably too hot to have a party outside. I think we might just have a party at the bouncy house again, why not, it was nice last year, it is indoors, cool, there is room for a lot of kids and parents, and it was fun. To be continued.

I love fresh food!

I love to garden, it is easy, it works, it taste good. Last year I started my first garden box. I went to Lowes and bought 4 boards, nailed them together to make a box, bought that liner thing to keep out the grass, bought a bunch of dirt and planted tomatoes, strawberries, okra, and bell peppers. Everything produced but I learned a lesson, tomatoes spread and tried to take over the bed so this year I have those things to help them go up instead of all over. This year I also tried a few more things, squash, beans, onions. So far everything seems to be going great except the squash, these plants also spread and my spaghetti squash plant is trying to take over. I might rip it out but for now I am keeping an eye on it because it is showing promising flowers. So far we have already pulled green beans off the scrawniest plant and tons of strawberries. I see the tomatoes will probably be next, and maybe the yellow squash next. Who knew stuff would grow in Las Vegas? Of course we haven't hit the heat yet.

This is my garden bed, isn't it pretty? We painted the wood a light green too. I unknowingly put it between the sprinklers, the automatic ones, so I never have to actually water it!

Tomatoes ...

Green Beans, I cannot believe that plant actually produced green beans, it is so small!

Yellow Squash, looking good!

Summer actually ate one of those green beans raw too, she said it was ok.

Strawberries.

Onions ... which are suppose to compliment strawberries and the reason I bough them.

More tomatoes, I bought like 8 different kinds ... don't ask me why.

More tomatoes.

The annoying spaghetti squash, hopefully it calms down some.

I like having a garden, it makes me feel like maybe I could survive in the wild...

Wild Wild Jess!

True or False: Summer

True or False time, see if you know the answers!

Does Summer like vegetables? This one is true, she is a great little eater, her favorite vegetable is probably the pea but she also likes carrots, green beans, asparagus (the tips), spinach, broccoli, cauliflower, and squash. She has not developed a taste for brussel sprouts yet.

Does Summer still take naps? This is False, she quit napping about 6 months ago. She use to sleep 10 hours and take a 2 hour nap. Now she sleeps 11 hours with no nap. Well sometimes she will fall asleep in the afternoon but it is pretty rare. She does fine without her naps, she is not cranky or overly tired at night so I am ok with it.

Does Summer drink a lot of water? Yes this is True, thankfully she normally asks to drink water over anything else, well over milk I guess because I don't keep juice in the house. I am lucky that she likes water as much as she does because I really like it too.

Is Summer scared of people in costumes? This one is False, bring on the Easter Bunny, Santa Clause, fake Dora's, or whoever else might be in a costume and she is happily hugging and loving on them. I have no idea why, I guess she is just one of those kids.

Does Summer like to pose for pictures? Well this one depends, I guess True because if I am taking a picture of something else she will ask me to take a picture of her and if the theme is her she is good for about 5-10 minutes but that is all.

Does Summer like going to bed? True! She has no issues going to bed at night. When 8:00 hits the clock she happily wanders up to her room (with one of us) and falls almost instantly asleep. And she stays asleep all night! Getting her to go pee before bed and brush her teeth, now that is a different story.

Does Summer play on the computer? True, she has several games set up on a computer upstairs, she knows how to get to her games (teaching games) and she can easily spend 30 minutes playing and learning. Since her dad and I are known for our own computer game addictions, I see this as being very normal for her.

Does Summer want to cut her hair short? False, Unfortunately Summer wants to keep her hair long, even though she constantly brushes the strands off her face. When her fingernails are long it results in scratches so we try to keep her nails cut short. I think that also helps her from biting her nails, a bad habit I know I had growing up.

Is Summer ready for a brother or sister? So True, she is excited and can't wait. She happily pats, rubs, and kisses my tummy often and one time even sang the baby a little song.

It's a girl!

Maybe anyway. Of course I am only 12 weeks and it is really too early to tell but let me tell you about my awesome appointment today. This appointment was with the Center for Maternal-Fetal Medicine, a clinic off base that specializes in high risk patients, like myself, because I am over 35. I talked to a genetic counselor and got a 2D (and 3 or 4D) ultrasound. Because I am so old now the risk of having a baby with issues is higher. The 2D ultrasound was looking specifically for Down Syndrome. By measuring a bone in the nose and a fluid pocket in the neck, the doctor is able to tell your odds of having a baby with this symptom.

First let me just say that I was scared out of my mind. Not because I was at a high risk clinic but because I was going to find out if I was, or am, still pregnant. When they took my vitals my blood pressure was 117/75 or something low and awesome, but my heart rate was 98. It is not normally so high, well in fact it is normally that high when I have my vitals checked. So back to the ultrasound ...

There was a baby in there and its little heart was beating at 161. Summer's heart beat was often 161 too. The tech easily spent 20-30 minutes on her ultrasound, taking measurements, showing me arms, legs, and other things I didn't recognize. The baby was asleep for most of the scan but after a few pokes it woke up and adjusted so the tech could get a good reading on that neck fluid sack area. She then gave me 3 photos and said she would be back, the doctor may or may not come in.

What does that mean, he may or may not come in. Why did she say that, did she see something wrong. Was the sack that big. Does the doctor need to come verify. As I started to get all worked up I told myself to calm down because I have done this to myself before and it ended up being nothing, which was the case today.

The doctor came in and he was extremely nice (and good looking too!) Not that he has to look good but I had this one doctor that was a bit scary, not that matters, I just felt really comfortable while he explained all his credentials, he told me how long he has been doing this kind of work, and he said a bunch of more things but I don't remember what they were. What I do remember him saying was that everything looked good and he asked about my miscarriages. I might have more blood working depending on what I had in the past, blood work results that I hope are being faxed over to him today. He seemed so nice and acts like he really cares if I have this baby, which was really nice. Then he told me he was going to do something fun (with the ultrasound machine) and I said, what tell me the sex? He said that unless the baby was in optimal position it was really hard to see but ... and here's the girl part, he said based on the leg and hips it looked like a girl. Of course that isn't certain and who knows how good he really is to be able to tell that but the last time I was pregnant with Summer the doctor told me during a very early ultrasound that the baby was obviously a girl because she had a brain - he ended up being right too!
Anyway, it might be a girl, or it might not, the fact is I am still pregnant and this doctor is going to follow up with my blood work to make sure I don't have some strange condition that made my miscarry and caused me to have high blood pressure with Summer.

Oh, and he said that based on that fluid in the neck sack area the doctor is 75% sure the baby does not have Down's. The blood test I did after the ultrasound will confirm the other 20-24% when it comes in.

I have my big ultrasound scheduled for the 5th of July.

Today I am wearing maternity clothes for the first time, trying to drink more water, hoping the base hospital sends the doctor the test results from all my past testing, and now I am going to take my beautiful princess to the park.

Oh, here are one of the photos too!

Losing Weight

Are you overweight? No matter if you are or not, you probably think you are. I am one of those people who always thinks I need to lose weight. Not in a dangerous way, I think it, I just don't ever do much about it. Not much weight either, just like 10-20 pounds. Since I have been trying to get pregnant for the past 2+ years I remember thinking if I got pregnant I wouldn't have to worry about losing weight. If I did get pregnant I could just eat what I wanted and be happy. That was before I joined a gym and actually lost those 10 pounds that I thought made me fat. March 2011 I reached my ideal goal of losing those last 10 annoying hard to lose pounds. I was looking forward to wearing a bikini and going to the pool. I was looking forward to shopping for summer clothes. I was looking forward to staying in shape and possibly teaching a class at the gym. Then I found out I was pregnant.
Of course I was happy, I mean it took forever to get pregnant and I had given up. I am 35, getting to old to have a baby and just didn't figure I would be a mother of 2. But I will admit that just having reached my weight goal and finding out I was pregnant was a bit of a sting. I didn't think the same as I had before, I don't want to eat whatever I want, I don't want to forget about how hard I worked to lose the weight and how I was going to get fat. I want to be a fit pregnant mom, I want to eat healthy. Of course that hasn't happened either! I blame morning sickness and the fact that I can barely eat anything nor can I stand the taste of water. Hopefully it goes away, I keep telling everyone it will, it better. In two more weeks I want to be back at the gym, taking it easy but still going, eating healthier, drinking water, taking my vitamins that I just can't seem to swallow anymore.
I have had two people tell me it looks like I have lost weight. I must be losing it somewhere and gaining it all in my stomach. I can't fit in my pants but I haven't gained weight so it must be reposition itself. My loving husband bought me my first maternity pants for mother's day, they are so comfy, I really needed them. I also bough myself some summer dresses thinking I should be able to wear and hide the belly in those.
Anyway, I am still pregnant today and I guess I may stay pregnant and I don't want to be one of those people that thinks just because I am pregnant I can eat whatever, gain all the weight I want, quit working out ... I mean I have quit working out and I am not eating healthy but I want to go back to how it was, I want for this morning all day sickness to be gone so I can get back on with my life. Just because I am pregnant and old doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to be normal. I kinda feel like maybe my body has put itself on bed rest, maybe for a reason, or maybe I am just not one of the lucky ones who can function normally in the first trimester. Well whatever the reason, I hope it goes away soon. I am ready to start functioning again. At least I haven't gained a bunch of weight I guess.

My c-section trauma

Every surgery has risks. To say that a c-section is an easy surgery would not be the truth. Just because so many women are getting c-sections doesn't mean the risk and terrors aren't there. This is not just another c-section story, this story is mine. I do not want to scare anyone with my tale, sometimes c-sections are unavoidable, but if you think of a c-section as just another normal procedure, maybe this will make you think again.

In my case the c-section was unavoidable. Of course I wanted a vaginal birth, don't most women? Since my daughter was breach and the cord was prolapsed and my water broke, there wasn't much else they could do except quickly delivery my baby girl. One of the good things about it being such a quick emergency was that I didn't have the pre-surgery jitters. Before I really knew what was happening they had my IV in, my catheter in, I signed a bunch of paperwork, and we were being whisked away to an operating room. To think I never even researched what it meant to have a prolapsed cord until now?

What is a cord prolapse?

Cord Prolapse also called an Umbilical Cord Prolapse - or UCP - is a very rare obstetrical emergency which can result in a birth injury or worse.

It is when your baby's umbilical cord descends alongside - or before - his head (or his bottom or feet if breech). A cord prolapse can be life threatening to your baby since blood flow - and therefore oxygen - through his umbilical cord is usually compromised due to cord compression.

Yet keep in mind that a cord prolapse is very rare and occurs in 0.14 to 0.62 percent of all births. In a study performed at the John Radcliffe Hospital between January 1984 and December 1992, the incidence of cord prolapse was 1 in 426 births or .23%.

I guess this is a very rare thing, which probably explains why I was in the operating room so quick.

I remember being wheeled into the operating room, the very brightly lit, yet somehow very cold, operating room. It seemed like there were 10 people in the room working on this and that. I had to change beds and sit up while a student attempted a spinal block. I don't remember the stick really hurting that bad. After two failed sticks the actual doctor got it in. It seems like I always get stuck with the students and I try not to complain. I goo laid out, people were busy all around me. I was covered with blankets, my legs had air things on them that massages so I don't end up getting a deadly blood clot. I had an air mask over my face. There was a lady nurse near my head asking how I am doing. I think I am doing ok considering. Kris comes into the room, they tell me they are about to start, I tell them I am not numb yet. I tell them again I am not yet numb but apparently they already cut so I guess I was numb after all. Being cut and not being numb is a fear of mine. Kris was holding my hand, the nurse at my head asked me to take deep breaths. I asked Kris, "am I taking deep breaths?" because I honestly can't really tell. I just want it to be over and it seems like it took forever! I feel the pressure but I don't remember it hurting, Kris asked me if I heard the baby, I don't, then I do, then I feel relieved. I see a little scrunched face peeking out of blankets and a hat and then she is gone, Kris is gone and I am still laying there for what seemed like forever while they finish putting me back together. Then I start to shake uncontrollably. Apparently this is normal, but quite terrifying. I can't stop shaking, I want them to hurry up and finish, I have no idea how much the baby weighed, no one is really talking to me and I can't stop shaking. I don't know how long it took to finish but it seemed like forever. I don't know how long I shook but it hurt. After they finished for what seemed like an hour I was rolled to a recovery area, alone. I wish I could have slept but this was around 8:30 in the morning and I was not tired. I laid in the recovery room shaking, listening to the blood pressure monitors beeping alarms. A nurse would come over and tell me to relax, ask me if I could feel my legs. I guess they would put something in my IV but nothing stopped the shaking. Shaking. If I had to pick the worse thing about the entire procedure it would have to be the uncontrollably shaking. Next would be the fear that my blood pressure was going to cause me to stroke out. Of course now that I think back I realize they have medication to prevent that but I was still about to have a panic attack thinking about it.

So my morning had started out normal until my water broke, now a few hours later I found myself laying in a recovery room, shaking, no longer pregnant, no clue where my husband and baby were, not even sure if my baby was ok, no idea how much she weighed or how tall she was. I didn't know how long it would take me to recover, I didn't think I would ever stop shaking, and I was quite certain my blood pressure was going to kill me.

But as they say, time heals. I don't know how long I was there but by the time they wheeled me into the room it was still sometime in the morning. I delivered at 8:11 so it couldn't have been more than a few hours. When I entered the room I saw Kris holding our baby, looking at it like he couldn't believe it. They hooked me up to a bunch of contraptions and left. We were alone. I finally found out how big Summer was, 7 pounds, 11 ounces, and how tall, 18.5 inches. I finally got to hold her and look at her for the first time. I finally got to take off her little hat and see that she had light brown/blonde hair. I got to smell her, kiss her, and think about how wild it was that this little thing came out of my body. I used my phone to take pictures of her and sent it to all of my friends and family. I called my mom. After all of the trauma I had gone through I now felt ok. I mean I wasn't all better, I was still healing from being cut open, still worried about my high blood pressure, dealing with a catheter, I was hooked up to IVs, annoyed at the leg massages, trying to blow into the plastic ball thing, bleeding, wearing a hospital gown, but all that didn't seem as bad.

I still remember the fear, the shaking, and the joys but time did eventually heal me. It all worked out for the best. While my c-section was necessary and while they are commonly practiced, it was still a very scary and traumatic experience for me. Of course it was worth it and if I have to do it again I will, but I sure hope I don't have to.

In Hiding

I really haven't been hiding her, not on purpose. She is still just the cutest little thing. Due to being so sick I just haven't been taking her photo as often, if at all. She has been such a little trooper through all of this mess, she understands I am always sick and hasn't ever complained. I guess she doesn't care if the house is a mess, if there are dishes in the sink, if her room is a complete disaster. I haven't changed her sheets in ... well I would rather not admit it, and she has yet to say anything to me. I hardly take her out of the house but why would she care when her daddy is picking up the slack. Daddy has been taking her to dance lessons each Friday and after they dine at Olive Garden, which just happens to be her favorite restaurant. She gobbles up the chicken alfredo and does a good job on the salad too. Papa has been extra special too, keeping her busy every morning before he has to go to work and spending all day with her on his days off. And yet somehow I find we are closer. She loves me and understands I am sick, she understands that I can't play with her, that I need to sit down, lay down, read a book. She still gives me hugs, gives me kisses, tells me she loves me this much as she spreads out her arms. She always smiles when I smile at her. She is truly more than just my special little girl, she is a best friend, she makes me laugh, she makes me smile, she makes me so proud. She is silly and funny and cute and smart. She has taught me patience and understanding. Sometimes I forget she is only three, until I remember her birthday is coming up in July and I panic because I have no clue what we are going to do for her party! She is so easy going and easy to love and just plain wonderful. I am so lucky.

Stay at Home Mom

I would love to say that transitioning from a full time working mom to a full time stay at home mommy was an easy transition but that would be a lie. Here I am a year and a half later doing something I never imagined, something I never thought I wanted, something I never thought was possible, and it wasn't easy. Prior to October 2009 I had worked since I was 17. I loved working, I loved making money, I loved having responsibilities. I was an excellent employee, I gave the companies I worked for everything I had. I helped the employees I worked with. There was rarely a day I didn't want to go to work. When I became pregnant with Summer there was never a doubt that I would go back to work. Work was all I knew, it was me. I was successful, I had a job most people never even dreamed about because it was so unreal. I was doing something I loved, helping a company succeed, helping employees wherever I could. Having a baby just meant that my life after work was going to be crazy, almost as crazy as my job.
After 5 years with my company I found myself laid off in the mists of one of the worse economical conditions in my lifetime. My company decided to relocate out of state and I had to find a new job. Kris was currently staying at home taking care of Summer while enjoying a small military retirement. I was the one who brought the money into our home. Even with unemployment rates at their worse, I didn't think I would have any problem finding a new job. Within 2 weeks of searching and submitting resumes I had an interview. It was a promising position, one I did not really want because of location but one I was certain would be mind. I never got a second call. I couldn't believe they didn't call me back. After sending out at least 100 more resumes during the last month with my company I was starting to get discouraged. I was making good money and realized that I wasn't going to be as lucky with another job.
In October 2009 I found myself at home with my husband and daughter. What do we do now? I had a severance and a savings and didn't really need to worry for at least 6 months but I didn't want to have to live on it. We lived life as normal as we possible could, we spent money like we always had assuming I would eventually find a job. For the first time ever I found myself in a position that made no sense. I had no idea what I should do with myself. Right after I left work I started teaching a mommy and me dance class. This occupied an hour of my time each week and allowed Summer to go to a free dance class. She already had 6 months worth of lessons and had no problems adjusting to me as her instructor. I still found myself on the verge of a boredom breakdown. Right before leaving my company I created a local Las Vegas mommy group in hopes of making some friends. I can honestly say that it was one of the best things I did, I ended up making several wonderful relationships with other women who to this day are still helping me pass the time and escape the boredom. Before I became a mom and made mommy friends I would say I had no real girlfriends, I only had coworkers.
That six months was a strange time in my life, I registered Summer in several classes at a local recreational center to help pass the time. She ended up taking an art class, gymnastics, dance, karate, soccer, and cheer-leading. The rest of my week was spent hanging out with my new mommy friends, with a regular weekly trip to a bookstore scheduled on the calendar. It took about 6 months for me to really enjoy being a stay at home mom, I now found myself becoming a busy on the go stay at home mom and this was something I could do.
After the six months was up we found ourselves on unemployment and still jobless. Kris decided he better look for a job because we could not afford to live off of his retirement and my unemployment. Kris ended up having an interview, I was certain he would get the job, and he didn't. Then he called a friend who told him he had a job for him only to find out his clearance had expired and he couldn't work there. It was a stressful and confusing three months, to make up the income Kris sold magic cards on eBay. I starting thinking about going into the photography business but knew that would not solve our income, or lack of income, situation. Kris and I always enjoyed shopping and eating out, but during these three months we found ourselves without anything to do together. By July luck struck, and just in time. Kris ended up getting a job that a good friend of ours told him about. It would be the dream job he always wanted.
After we found ourselves back in the saddle I joined a gym with one of my good friends. My new stay at home mom schedule found me teaching dance and Mondays and going to the gym on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. On Friday I met with other mommy friends at the bookstore. The weekends were spend taking pictures of people who liked my photography. I was busier now that I had ever been. After being a gym rat for 6 months, enjoying zumba classes, belly dancing, sculpt, I finally lost the last 10 pounds that had been holding on since I turned 30. I would have lost it sooner had I actually changed my diet but I was in no rush, I went to the gym because I enjoyed it, not because I felt like I had to go. Summer also liked going to the gym for an hour each day, she would play with her friends and color me a picture.
It took me a long time to figure out how to be the best stay at home mom I could be. I never thought I would quit working. I worry about the gap in my employment. One day I will want to work again, I think, and how hard is it going to be to get a job now. I am fortunate that we can afford to have me stay home and raise our daughter, even better since it looks like we will be having another. I admit I miss working. I was good at my job, I was respected, I knew what I was doing, people looked to me for help. I made great money, I had good benefits. Working was rewarding, I got bonuses and awards. Now if I do a good job raising my daughter no one really notices unless I tell them. If the house is clean - it is to be expected. The thing that helps me the most is hearing my daughter tell me she loves me, and knowing how much I am impacting her life. When I take her to a class I am giving her opportunities. When I feed her a healthy lunch and make her drink water instead of juice I know that I am providing better for her than someone else might. I know that by being there for her I can help make her be the best little girl she can be. I am not perfect and she doesn't expect me to be, I tell her I make mistakes and try my best. We have a wonderful relationship, it is rare for her to act up. I don't know what kind of person she is going to become but hopefully by staying home with her she will appreciate it as much as I do. I thank my husband for working so hard so that we can live this way, I am glad he likes his job and glad that I like mine. I never would have thought that I would be a stay at home mom. It goes to show you just how crazy life can be.

Bathrooms

Today I woke up and thought, maybe I am not really pregnant. I thought this after I got off the scale and discovered I haven't gained any weight. I don't even really look pregnant. Well, maybe after I eat my stomach sticks out but that doesn't mean anything. Can I really be almost 12 weeks with no weight gain? Of course no weight gain doesn't mean my pants still fit, so tell me exactly how that works. I feel pretty good today too - so far - so that doesn't help my thoughts either. I have a 2D ultrasound in one week to check for abnormalities, like Downs, since I am so old and all, I suppose after that appointment I might actually think I am pregnant again.

This morning I went to the store and bought a bunch of greens and fruits. Romaine Lettuce, Spinach, Cilantro, and Chard. I didn't mean to buy Chard, I meant to buy Kale. I don't even know what you use Chard for. I have a book with recipes for green smoothies and I could have sworn it said Chard. It said Kale and I don't see Chard anywhere. Now what am I going to do with this Chard? I will keep looking for a smoothie recipe that includes Chard, surely there is one. Anyway my first green smoothie consisted of Romaine Lettuce, Mango, Banana, Orange, and water. I gave a glass to my daughter and one to my father in law and told them to try really hard to drink it. I heard my daughter say Yuck. I don't think it taste that bad, and my blender did a pretty good job of mixing it all up. Of course as I am drinking it I am chewing on small pieces of something, lettuce, or ?

This past weekend Kris took Summer shopping. He takes her quite a bit, he is a good dad like that. They went to one of the shopping areas on the strip. While there Summer had to go pee. Kris had to take Summer into the men's bathroom. He told me that he had Summer cover her eyes while he hurried and escorted her into a stall. Luckily a clean-ish stall since most of the men's bathrooms are not the cleanest. While rushing her into the stall he said she was really loud and saying "why do I have to cover my eyes?" Family bathrooms are making an appearance but apparently there were none where they were. We were out eating on Sunday and Summer had to go to the bathroom so Kris took her. Unfortunately this bathroom was not clean, it was disgusting, which is the norm for a guy bathroom from what I understand. I guess soon Summer will just have to start going into the women's bathroom by herself while he stands right outside. She can do most everything herself, maybe not reach the soap or paper towels, but for the most part she can at least go by herself.

Morning Sickness Sucks

I know it will all be over eventually, but in the meantime I am losing months, weeks, days, hours. I wake up feeling sick but able to get up, get something to eat, able to sit at the computer and do a few things. I eat thinking that will make me feel better. I drink thinking that will make me feel better. I look around the house at the mess I have not been able to clean for the past month and try not to let it bother me. I look at my daughter and try not to worry about what she must think, how different our life has been in the past month, how we were so busy running here and there and now we sit at home day after day while I lay in bed. She doesn't seem to really notice, or care, at least she seems to love me just the same, if not more. Maybe because I am so darn emotional and all I can do is tell her how much I love her and hug her and kiss her and cuddle with her. She has started falling asleep in my bed because we have been cuddling lately. I love cuddling with her, she makes me feel safe and not as sick, or at least I tell myself that. No doubt some of the sickness is in my head, I mean I know it is there but if I am busy, if I have something to do I don't notice it as much. It is harder to make yourself clean the house to forget the annoying nausea, easier to leave the house, yet so hard to leave the house. I would rather feel sick in my own house, near my own toilet, just in case. My morning sickness starts to get worse in the afternoon, I don't know why, I don't know if it is something I ate, or didn't eat, or lack of water because it taste so bad I can't hardly stand to drink it. By the time dinnertime comes around I am usually too sick to even eat, though I usually make myself, and that doesn't make me feel better, or if it does I am still just that sick. When it is 6:00 pm I find myself looking at the clock waiting for 8:00 pm when I know Summer will go to bed, because then I can go to bed. Even though I am not tired at 8, I know that sleep is my only relief. Somehow the sickness is better when I sleep. Still there but I don't dream of it all night. I have to get up and go pee several times a night and the sickness reminds me where I am. It takes me awhile to fall back asleep, to the sanity I need so bad. Upon waking after 9 or 10 hours, where my body and mind are no longer tired, even if I yearn to stay asleep, I just can't sleep any longer, I hope today will be the day that I feel better. But it isn't going to be today, I felt the morning sickness again as soon as I started moving around, before I even opened my eyes. So I lay there and wonder what I can do to make it better, what I might eat for breakfast, what I might drink. I think about the things I need to do, dishes, laundry, getting dressed, Summer. I think about how sucky this is for Kris, working and listening to me complain again, for yet another week, hearing me say how it should all be over in a few more weeks. How I need him to do more, more, it is never enough. I think about hiring a maid for the day but I don't want to be laying around while someone else has to work, and I don't feel well enough to go anywhere. I am not even really that sick, I mean I could go somewhere if I had to go, I just don't want to leave, don't want to make myself strong, I don't want to leave the comforts of my home. One day I will just wake up and I will feel fine. I won't notice it at first, but then it will hit me and I will immediately worry that something is wrong. Why am I all better? Not today, hopefully only a few more weeks. My sanity seems to be holding out for now, I am prepared to deal with today as best I can, do what I can, try to push myself to do more. Right now I also have a headache and a burning sensation in my stomach, maybe the cereal was a bad idea, or maybe it was the milk. Or maybe I need to drink some water. Maybe I should take my vitamin, maybe it does help me feel better. Maybe something exciting will happen today, or maybe not. Morning Sickness Sucks!