Fear like you have never experienced. Overwhelming worry. The understanding that you are in complete control of a situation that is unlike any other. You are fully responsible for either breaking or making a difference. Motherhood.
Lack of sleep, overloaded emotions, stressing about every little thing, including stress, debating to do or not do this and that, making choices with outcomes that may remain unknown, doing what you think is best, only to doubt your judgement and second guess the doubt.
Organic, vaccines, discipline, sunscreen, bullies, milk, sleeping arrangements, pacifiers, disposable diapers, earrings, and a million other things that keep your head spinning.
And yes, for some unknown reason you find yourself wanting to do it all over again. And again. And again.
What will they think of me when they start thinking like me. Will I make a difference, will they strive to be the best person they can be, will they be loving and love each other, will they be strong, will they be smart, will they understand and have compassion, will I be able to give them everything they need, and will they be able to get whatever I don't give them? Will they eventually understand me, will they always be my friend, and always love me, and call me, and be there for me when I am old and need them?
Or, will I be too pushy, too overbearing, too smothering, too hard, too strict?
Do they know how much I love them, how I spend time thinking about them each day, trying to find something for them to do, something to keep them busy, to teach them. Do they realize how much I worry about them, how much I want them to enjoy life and be safe. Do they know the need I have to protect them and keep them safe. Do they understand how much I worry about the little things they do?
Like playing at the park where anything is possible. Someone could grab one of them, they could fall and get hurt, they could get bit by a dog, they could eat something on the ground and get sick, they could get coughed or sneezed on and catch something, they could find a sharp object and get cut, and get infected, they could fall, they could get hit by another kid and get their feelings hurt, or they could hit another kid and hurt his or her feelings.
I take full responsibility for them, if something should happen it is my fault, I am on duty all the time, I am the one that has to keep them safe, I am the one that has to make life altering decisions for them, I am the one that has to watch them all the time, to know what they are doing, to anticipate what they are thinking, to hope that they are going to be ok.
I can't explain the love a mother has for her child, each child is so different and so unique, and the love somehow overpowers all of the stress and the worry and the fear. Love is a superpower, love can heal, love can protect. A mother's love is a powerful thing, unimaginable, and very real. I can only say that I have never known a love so strong in a way that is as protective. Once I became a mother I knew that my job was to help these little girls become. I don't have any idea what they are going to become and I don't know how much I can help but I do know that I am fully responsible for doing everything I can to give them what they deserve.
And I enjoy them. They make me so happy. I love to watch them think, and learn, and play, and smile. I love to give them hugs, and breath them, and kiss them, and snuggle with them, and tickle them. I love when they love me, when they kiss me and hug me. I love to look into their eyes and see them looking back into mine.
To think that they exist because of me, somehow, they are a part of me. They don't look just like me but they have a piece of me in them. It is amazing to look at them and see some of me. After my body dies and I am no more I will know that pieces of me continue to live in this world.
All I want are for them to be happy. Happiness cannot be defined – only experienced. I don't know what is going to make them happy, it may not be the same things that make me happy or that make each of them happy, so whatever it is I want them to know I will love them and accept them and help them however I can, and I will try not to judge them.
In return I want them to love me forever, to live with me until they are at least 25, unless under the right circumstances and we are all in agreement, then and only then can they leave sooner, like maybe 23. I want them to give me grandchildren, oh and I want them to become wealthy and independent, and live in a nice house, or a modest home, whatever makes them (and me) happy. I want them to be smart, get a collage degree or two, or get a good job without even needing college. I want them to become famous, a dancer, a singer, a scientist, a painter, a doctor, a teacher, or just a normal person living a normal life who lives with their mother, or mother in law if she needs them more.
I just hope they grow up loving life like I do, I hope they have the ability to handle the situations that life hands them. I want them to be happy. I hope they stay best friends and live around each other and stay in each others lives. I hope I can be there for them as long as possible to give them whatever they need or want, like money or someone to talk to. Or maybe just a hug :o)