Graphic to say the least!

I hate to say that I have a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to breast feeding, but come on, do you really blame me? I mean for me everything about it was hard! I was in horrible pain for at least 3 weeks, I had bleeding cracked nipples, then when things started to get better I got a clogged milk duct, that turned into mastitis, that lead to 2 rounds of 7-day antibiotics, only to end up with surgery. And that wasn't the worst of it, here I am after surgery with a huge open wound that I have to pack with gauze twice a day. Are you serious? I can't even do it, luckily my wonderful husband has a strong stomach. Sure I am not on any pain meds because for the rest of the day I am not in any pain but when I have to pull the gauze from the hole in my breast it stings and burns. Then when my husband has to pack more gauze in it and it hurts some. I have to do this at least through Monday when I see the doctor again and beg to not do it anymore. Hopefully it is healing well and I can have it sewn up soon because this is no way to live.

In a perfect world I would still be breastfeeding, I wouldn't have to worry about washing bottles, contaminated formula, tummy gas, burping, which size nipple I need, etc, but my world isn't exactly perfect - almost but not quite. Instead I am left with a distant memory of what it was like to nurse, the wonderful bond I didn't actually have because I was in so much pain but I could almost imagine what it would have been like, I can dream of how it might have been, how maybe my daughter would have nursed and would have gotten full and not cried all day ... so for all those women out there that choose not to even attempt to breastfeed you will get nothing but support from me, because if someone would have told me the "what if's" even if it was the worse possible, I got the worse possible what if! And for those of you who have successfully managed to breast feed you should take a moment to be thankful because it is not easy for many women. I know my daughter wasn't latching correctly and even knowing it I couldn't figure out how to correct it. I learned SO much about breast feeding, enough that I feel I could confidently mentor someone who wanted to try it, but I would never do it again, and not because how hard it was, and not because of all the pain, but because of the fear I have now of having this happen (warning - the second picture is VERY graphic):

This is the day before the surgery.

This is the day after the surgery. Go ahead, you can cry for me.

Luckily, in time all this will be behind me. I can't helping wishing we were somewhere two weeks ahead. To think that in 11 hours I have to go into the bathroom, remove the bandage, take the end of the gauze with my fingers and pull the remaining gauze from inside my breast out while it stings, then have my husband reinsert more gauze, makes me sick to my stomach. But I have to do it, I have to try to be strong for myself, for my baby, for my husband, for the doctor. By far this is the worse thing I have ever had to do in my life so far, and hopefully for the rest of my life.